Even more money shame, the story of my life, and not getting a Sindy house
I actually did get a Sindy house and it was the best. Sorry, Louise.
I said last week I was going to talk about my bad money memories and then got distracted by Harry Styles (Story of My Life plays in the background). But I’m going to do it now. I feel a bit resistant and I don’t really know why. Ok, yes I do. Shame. Shame. Shame. But I’ve read enough Brené Brown to know that we beat shame by being vulnerable. (And I’ve already shared my current money situation so how much worse could it be?)
Oh and I have so many bad money memories that to list them all would probably be a book rather than a newsletter (call me, publishers!), so here are the ones that sprung most readily to mind.
My first ever money memory is of my mum crying after having her purse - containing the just-collected family allowance - stolen out of her bag while she was pushing me on the swings.
My parents collected loose change in an enormous Johnnie Walker bottle, kept next to my dad’s record player in the “good” front room. I don’t know how old I was exactly - maybe 12? - but I’d taken to helping myself to a little, most likely to buy something from the sweet shop, a quarter of Kola Cubes perhaps. I remember as I tipped the bottle up, the door opened and my mum came in, smiling, asking me if I wanted a sandwich, and then her face fell as she saw what I was doing. The weird thing is, I don’t remember talking about it, or even being told off, just that my dad fashioned the bottle a cardboard lid with a small opening so the change didn’t come out so easily. Shame slot.
When I was 18, I moved to London to work as a Mother’s Help. I remember getting on the coach in Liverpool. I remember being collected from Richmond station by the woman I was going to work for. I remember asking her, mortified, if she could lend me the money to buy some sanitary towels because I’d unexpectedly got my period and I didn’t have any cash. I can’t believe my parents let me move TO LONDON without any money, but they must have done. They must have done.
Oh this is a bad one. Christmas 1993. My boss called me up to his office to give me my Christmas bonus. £200 in fifty pound notes. (Honestly not sure I’ve seen a £50 since.) He asked if one of my colleagues was still there. I said no, she’d left already. He said “Right then, you can have hers too.” And gave me another envelope. Another £200. And I kept it. I know I was skint, but I can’t believe I kept it. Bloody hell.
I know there’s more in the next twenty years. Many more. But I can’t think of any right now (apart from two (2) times when I invited someone out for lunch and then couldn’t pay and had to ask them to pay, WTF). So I’ll end with one that’s hard for me to write about because it was pretty recent and I know some people reading this will remember.
In 2017, we went on holiday to Mallorca. In the first few days, a payment went out of my account that I thought had already gone, and it meant that we didn’t have enough money for the rest of the holiday. Didn’t have credit cards then either. We were self-catering, so needed money for food. I posted on Facebook, explaining the situation and asking friends if they could help. And they did. And it was lovely and overwhelming and I’m not sure I even thanked people properly and I’ve hidden it on Facebook because when it comes round in my memories it makes me feel like crap all over again.
The thing is… I wasn’t a kid. I wasn’t single. I was on holiday with my husband (now ex) and kids and didn’t have enough money FOR FOOD. I remember the last holiday I had with my family before I moved to London. My parents were really struggling with money by then, but they - well, my mum - would scrimp and save all year to ensure we could go away. But then quite early on, my dad had gone out and got drunk and spent much if not most of our spending money. I remember my mum being really upset about it. I never wanted to be in that situation and I definitely didn’t want to put my kids in that situation. And then I did.
Paid subscriptions enable me to keep writing these newsletters. If you’re not a paid subscriber already, I’d love it if you’d consider upgrading. (And if you are, thank you, I love you.)
If you would like a paid sub, but can’t afford it right now, email me and I’ll sort it.
If you’d prefer not to subscribe right now, but would still like to support me/this newsletter, you can buy me a coffee.
An interview with… Louise Walters
This week I’m talking to Louise Walters. I wanted to talk to Louise after she tweeted that the independent publishing company she set up was “in the financial doldrums.”
I was lucky to get 15 foreign rights deals, two of which were six-figure sums. I naively thought all my books would sell in that way. My second novel was turned down flat by my publisher.
What is your relationship with money currently?
Difficult! We had to move house earlier this year, to a much smaller home, to get the mortgage payments halved. The council tax is also cheaper, and the utility bills are a bit smaller too. Most personal debts were paid off with the sale of our old home. It was a positive step, really, but still something there was no real choice over. It's left me feeling on the one hand relieved (paying off debts is an amazing feeling) and on the other, a little sad and bitter.
What’s the biggest money mistake you’ve made?
Spending most of the money my first published book earned me. I was lucky to get 15 foreign rights deals, two of which were six-figure sums. I naively thought all my books would sell in that way. My second novel was turned down flat by my publisher. It was a back-down-to-earth moment. Since then I have set up my own publishing company and what was left of any savings has gone into the business. I now have no savings, no pension... and no debts. It's OK. Could be much worse.
I think it would be great to hear a bit more about how and why you set up your publishing company. You tweeted that it's in the "financial doldrums", what are your plans for the future of the business?
OK, well, long-ish story, but my second novel was rejected by my Big 5 publisher and I decided to self-publish it. That led to me wanting to publish other writers. I was approaching 50 and decided it was "now or never".
I think my impoverished upbringing has always made me want to make something of myself, whatever that really means. I have always lacked confidence, although I have much more nowadays. I used my money from my first book's earnings (it did really well) and set up Louise Walters Books and became a publisher.
I am yet to break even on any of my 13 titles I've published so far. It's been a huge strain financially, and the pandemic really didn't help. Publishing is extraordinarily difficult financially. I can't ever get on top of it... reprints are an issue (I print small print runs so the unit cost is high). I finance the publishing with my freelance editorial work, and sometimes pay myself modest wages!
What’s the best thing you’ve ever spent money on?
Well, the £5k of my book deal money I spent on a cruise with my three older kids was absolutely worth it! We had a brilliant holiday and the memories are there forever (and the photos). Any sort of expensive, exotic holiday now feels out of the question. I'd never had money, we were poor growing up, working-class, and I think I was a bit dazzled by the money my debut novel attracted. But no regrets. It was nice to play at being rich for a while!
Did your parents talk to you about money growing up?
Not really. There was a growing awareness throughout my childhood that we were not well off. I rarely had brand new clothes, toys, books, but I just assumed, I think, that was how all families lived (and perhaps it was more common in the seventies?). Jumble sales were a big thing back then...
I do remember never asking to go on school residential trips, nor did I ever ask for the Sindy house I used to gaze at in the catalogue! Still kind of regret never getting a Sindy house.
What would you do with £10,000?
Pay it to myself as wages from Louise Walters Books. I owe myself a lot of wages!
Finally, if you were me, what would you want to ask women about money?
I think my first question would be: Do you have savings? An emergency fund stashed away? I had that until I spent it all on publishing. My aim is to build it back up again. A financial cushion, reserves, are a must for me. I feel insecure without that, and miss it.
Also: Are you financially independent? I was once, now I'm not. Again, I'm aiming to get back to a state of financial independence.
Learn more about Louise and the books she publishes at Louise Walters Books.
Another post featuring Sindy (and whatsherface):
Loved this interview! Getting a book published has always been a dream of mine so it’s always cool to learn more about the industry