If I could turn back time...
+ self-employment during covid, Carer’s Allowance, and crossing fingers at the cashpoint
I remember when I was a teenager seeing my mum on her hands and knees in our hall, scrubbing the carpet. I said there was no way I’d do that when I grew up and had my own home, I’d rather buy a new carpet. She said “You’ll have to marry a rich man then.” I told her I wouldn’t need to marry a rich man. That I’d be rich. I felt it. I meant it. (I’m still waiting.)
Mum’s attitude to money absolutely impacted mine (and my sister’s). She loved a bargain - out of necessity, certainly, but also she seemed to enjoy it. She was proud that everything in the supermarket shop had a reduced sticker. She bought most (and, later, probably all) of her clothes in charity shops. Our Christmas presents came from ex-catalogue shops.
I remember her coming to visit me in London once. It was a hot day, we were in Hyde Park and there was an ice cream van. I asked if she wanted an ice cream and she said no because they were £1.50 (could that be right? It was probably 1994 - however much it was, she thought it was too much). I basically said YOLO and got them anyway. She was slightly scandalised but also a little bit thrilled.
And yet I was definitely influenced by her thrifty ways. I remember my sister and I saying we would hear mum’s voice in our head when we were shopping. “Thirty quid for a skirt??”
I was once with my friend Diane and she needed the loo in a train station and it was 30p. I was appalled. Diane shrugged and said, "But I need to go." "I’d rather go in my pants," I said, (mostly) joking, but Diane laughed and said, "I think you might have a problem with money. I think you might be coming from a place of lack."
I absolutely was. And at the same time I was rebelling against it. Spending money I didn’t have. Trying to cultivate an “abundant mindset.” Faking it til I made it. But I still haven’t made it.
Still not interested in finding a rich husband though.
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An interview with… Rachel Dove
Rachel Dove, 40, is a writer and author with over 15 books under her belt, and many more in the depths of her notepad brain. She lives in Yorkshire with her family, and is a former adult education teacher specializing in special needs, SpLDs (specific learning difficulties, creative writing, publishing and autism.
My mother, who did well to raise two children while working many jobs, used to say 'cross your fingers kids' when she used the cash machine.
Why do you think women are often reluctant to talk about money?
Women often have their hands tied behind their backs metaphorically. We are classed as mothers, wives, people who are often doing very hard tasks which are unpaid and just seen as 'women's work.' The gender pay gap is a real issue, and with rising childcare costs, often women are stuck with juggling everything and seeing their pay cut massively. Mothers are judged for working, and not for working. Men are never judged for working all hours, earning big bucks, and leaving the childcare to others. Covid 19 set women worldwide back by about ten years, which makes me want to cry.
What is your relationship with money currently?
Self-employment in a pandemic is far from easy, and we are a fully self employed household. Like many self-employed people, I lost money and the ability to work the hours I previously worked. This all has a knock-on effect. Furlough would have been a dream!
I have always budgeted, leaving home at an early age warranted that, and I do fear for my future. With caring for my autistic children, my pension is pitiful, as it is for many women taking career breaks or giving up work entirely to care for children or elderly parents.
Carer's allowance doesn't even pay for a week's worth of groceries for a family of four, and I worry about those people the most. Caring for others should not lead to burnout and people losing their homes or starving in retirement. The system is broken, sadly.
You mentioned carer's allowance and that the system is broken. Do you have ideas of how it could be fixed? What would help you?
The Carer's Allowance is less than £70 a week, and I think it should be overhauled and the cost of living factored in far better.
For example, you have to be caring for the person for 35 hours a week to qualify, and you can't earn more than £110 a week. This traps people in the benefit cycle, and it is unfair as the carers are from all abilities and walks of life. This means that having a disabled child for example, will cap your earnings or mean you don't get any Carer's Allowance at all.
The wage rise recently will mean people will lose CA, or have to cut their hours. The government recently said 'work more to cover the Universal Credit cut post pandemic' but this is not possible for everyone. Some mothers I know are struggling and even facing homelessness.
I have been lucky, but I know many parents, especially single mothers desperately trying to care for their child, themselves and keep a roof over their heads.
Once a disabled child gets to 18 or leave full time education, the household loses the benefits such as Child Benefit, Tax Credits etc but they still have that person to care for with the same needs. People are seen as 'spongers' in the media and this is not the case. Often SEN parents and carers have to work harder than the average parent, have more stress and worries, and money woes on top often proves unbearable.
I have been lucky, but I know many parents, especially single mothers desperately trying to care for their child, themselves and keep a roof over their heads. They don't want handouts, they just want help to enable them to earn money AND care. Care is always undervalued, and salaries are often far too low for paid carers of adults and children.
What’s your earliest money memory?
We used to get family allowance (Child Benefit). My mother, who did well to raise two children while working many jobs, used to say 'cross your fingers kids' when she used the cash machine. If the family allowance was in, it was like winning the lottery. I will always remember that, and I really try to get my children to understand that shiny gadgets are not everything, and that money issues can be toxic, and long reaching. I really think that financial savvy skills should be taught in school. Many kids would have far more use for this than algebra.
Did your parents talk to you about money when you were growing up? If so, how did they talk about it? What did you learn? If not, how did that affect you?
Yes my mother was always very honest about money, so we learned to appreciate things more and learned what was important and what was just 'stuff'. I think with society today parents are under more pressure than ever to provide the 'stuff' and peer pressure is often an issue that makes this worse. I don't wear designer clothes, etc because I value having clothes on my back and money in my pocket more than a designer label. Not that I judge those who do splurge!
What’s the biggest money mistake you’ve made?
When my last relationship ended nearly 20 years ago, I lost a lot of money. Break-ups, even when amicable, are very expensive!
What’s the best thing you’ve ever spent money on?
For me, it was my education. Leaving home at 15, I couldn't afford to go to college and university. I did my BA Hons, my teaching qualification and my MA while I was raising my sons, and whilst my student debt is a worry, it's still the best thing I ever did for myself.
What would you do with £10,000?
I would use it to secure my children's future. Enable them to buy a house when they are older. The bankers tanked the housing market in 2008, and the generations born since will feel that more and more. As always, Joe public bears the scars of the rich and greedy. It needs to stop.