In which all my money buttons are pummelled

+ an interview with Sian Meades-Williams

The past week, man. This past week has pummelled all my money buttons. Actually, I shouldn’t say all in case there’s one I forgot and a safe falls out of a window and flattens me like in Laurel & Hardy or something. But, yeah. Many, many buttons.

Firstly - and I’m nervous to even tell you about this (thanks to that anonymous comment from a couple of weeks ago) - I applied for a hardship grant from the Society of Authors. Of course I felt like a fraud filling in the form. But I also didn’t. I also saw how hard I’m trying and how much I’m spending (on essentials - more about that next week) and how little I’m making.

I had no idea whether I’d be approved or not so I tried not to mentally spend any of it (helped by not knowing how much it would be) instead thinking ‘it will be really helpful if I get it…’ And then I was approved. And I cried. And I thought, as I always do, this solves everything.

And then THAT VERY SAME DAY, along came two unexpected expenses. One for 15% of the grant I hadn’t yet received. The other possibly for another 20-30% but I haven’t dealt with that yet, so I’m not sure.

And I thought, yep, that tracks. The universe gives and the universe takes. And every time I’ve thought I’d be okay for money, something has happened that’s made me not okay again. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Lesson learned.

And then I told myself to shut the fuck up. As if those expenses wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t have the grant. And if they had, how much more stressful would that have been? Also, I do kind of sometimes absolutely believe in the woo-woo stuff around money and I know that telling the universe ‘oh yeah, I know, I’ll never have any money, yeah, you take it, hope you’re happy’ is not the best way to deal with any of this.

The gifs for this are rubbish, but hopefully you know the quote.

And then I went to Blackpool. My oldest friend got tickets for The Lytham Festival for me and my 19yo to see Jamiroquai (the 19yo’s request - honestly, I don’t know what’s going on with teenagers these days). The hotels in Lytham were expensive and since we really only needed a bed, I booked a ridiculously cheap B&B in Blackpool.

One of my happiest childhood memories is of my parents taking me and my sister for a surprise night away. They put us in the car with our teddies and pillows and it was thrilling. Because I’ve always been annoying, I saw Blackpool on a motorway sign and ruined the surprise for myself, but it was great while it lasted.

But then I remember getting there and Mum worrying about the price of the B&B. In my head it was £15 for the night. I don’t know if that’s realistic or not for the late 70s. But whatever it was, she thought it was expensive and fretted.

Walking along the seafront with Harry, I told him about this and how for years I would have been the same, but I’ve worked really hard at enjoying things and not ruining them for myself because of money.

And then we saw a ridiculous horse-drawn carriage and I said it was the kind of thing I would’ve wanted to go on as a kid and my parents would have said no and I would most likely have whined and whined and how I didn’t want to be like that with my kids (and for a while I was). And he - can you guess - said “I’d quite like to go on one of those actually.”

Of course. And I should have said no because of the horses and I know Harry would’ve been fine with that because he loves animals, but it was a moment of weakness and Harry loves experiences and I love making things happen for him, so I said yes. And it cost £20 and it was raining and we just trotted slowly up and down Blackpool seafront, which is, I’m sorry to say, pretty crappy, but we laughed a lot and he filmed it on his phone and it seems like something he’ll remember.

And then! While we were on the bus to Lytham, I got an email notifying me of yet another unexpected expense. Another almost 10% of the grant. And something that I could probably have prevented if I’d been paying more attention and not out for the day with the teen, but also something that is an actual rip-off. And, god, I hate being ripped off.

I sent a complaining email and fretted and fretted and mentally cursed myself and got a reply that basically said ‘We’re sorry to hear that you’re stupid’ and I sent another email saying, yes, maybe I am, but also your information wasn’t clear… and then I decided to just suck it up. I was on my way to a concert! I wasn’t going to let money ruin a good time. (I did forget about it during the concert - which was actually fantastic. Did a bit more fretting when we got home, but I’m over it now.)

On the way home, I saw the announcement that a writer friend had signed a seven figure deal. Yes. Seven figures. Seven. This is someone I love and I’m thrilled for her and so proud of her. And yet. Imagine all your money problems being solved just like that. Yes, I know they wouldn’t all be solved, not really, but still. Imagine.

While I was reading the announcement on my phone, I got a notification from my bank re my Amazon self-publishing account. It said ‘You have received money from Amazon and it’s ready to use.’

Honestly, it’s a good job I’ve got a sense of humour.

---

I would love it if you would consider supporting this newsletter by becoming a paid subscriber for just over £1 a week (57p if you go for an annual subscription!)

This Monday newsletter and interview is free, but paid subscribers get a second weekly post and full access to the archives.

If you would like a paid sub, but can’t afford it right now, email me and I’ll sort it.

---

An interview with Sian Meades-Williams

Photographer: Julie Kim

Sian Meades-Williams is an author and freelance writer living in North London with her husband and naughty tabby cat Chip. She is creator of the popular creative industries newsletter Freelance Writing Jobs and her book, The Pyjama Myth: the Freelance Writer’s Survival Guide, is published by Unbound. In 2022 she won the Yeovil Literary Prize for her historical novel-in-progress.

What is your relationship with money currently? 

It's so much better than it has been! I've got three savings pots (one for tax, one for fun, one for emergencies and cash flow – that last one's very helpful with freelancing!), I'm no longer petrified of doing my tax return (although it's not exactly a fun day out), and I've invested a little bit in an ethical fund, too. Not a lot, but enough to make me feel like I'm doing something good with my money.

I'm slowly getting used to relaxing about spending. I think when you've struggled with money previously, as I did for a large chunk of my adult life, you can be scared to spend even when you have disposable income. I find this much harder since I'm freelance – the notion that I might not get paid on time means I tend to hoard money rather than enjoying what I've earned.

What’s your earliest money memory?

Being given a tiny bit of money to spend on sweets and bouncy powerballs in the post office by our house – I loved powerballs so much, although they inevitably ended up in a garden three doors over. But I think it says a lot about my early relationship with money - the joy of it! The absolute thrill of being able to walk into a shop and buy the thing you really want. It was a very long time before I learned the responsibility of that power.

What advice would you give your younger self about money?

I really wish I'd not learned this trick from my dad – don't cover your balance on the screen when when you take cash out of a machine. Or, put another way since we don't really use cash anymore: read your bank statements! Don't hide from those numbers. These days I know how much money is in each of my bank accounts give or take a tenner. I truly didn't know how freeing this would be until a few years ago! It's a huge part of keeping on top of my mental health.

What’s the biggest money mistake you’ve made?

The time I almost had to declare bankruptcy. I talk about this a lot in my book – The Pyjama Myth: the Freelance Writer's Survival Guide. I didn't save enough money for my tax return one year – I was new to freelancing and I hadn't factored in payment on account, or National Insurance and student loan repayments.

The whole thing spiralled. I was paying off in instalments, but the monthly payments were way too high, so I couldn't save for next year's bill, I was racking up credit card debt and extending my overdraft to help in the short term.

Within a couple of years I was thousands of pounds in debt. I had no idea how to fix it, and I tried in vain to do it the freelance way: I worked and worked and worked trying to earn my way out of the problem, which led to burnout, severe anxiety, panic attacks, and a bit of a rubbish relationship with alcohol. It took me years to find my way out, and the anxiety is still a work-in-progress.

The thing is, it's so hard to know how bad something is when you're in the middle it. You find a way of muddling through – especially when you're freelance, you pride yourself on it! Another commission was often all I needed to keep my head above water, to make sure rent was paid, I didn't know just how much I was struggling.

This part of my life isn't one I'm particularly proud of and it's one of the reasons I wrote my book – I know how easy it is to let things slip when you're working for yourself, I didn't want people to make the same mistake I did when they went freelance.

What’s the best thing you’ve ever spent money on?

For three years I've been squirreling a little bit of money away each week for a big adventure holiday. (I use Plum for this, it's a brilliant app especially if you struggle to make regular savings). In a couple of months I'm going whale watching in the Azores.

It's such a dream trip, one that I could never afford to pay for just straight out of my regular bank account. I'm really proud of the changes I had to make to my finances to get me to the point that a dream trip could become a reality. Honestly, I can't wait. And the savings pot is filling up little by little again for another trip.

Do you have a pension? If not, do you have a plan?

I do! I'm making up for lost time so a couple of hundred pounds goes into it each month, no matter what I earn. I use Penfold, which is great for freelancers – I could pause or reduce payments if I needed.

What would you do with £10,000?

It would be a toss up between replacing the carpets in our flat, which are somewhere between grey and beige, or tearing out our functional but ugly kitchen.

We've worked really hard to do a lot of the DIY ourselves – it turns out I'm great at wallpapering – but there are some things we need to spend some chunks of money on now.

If you were me, what would you want to ask women about money?

I'm really curious about what influences being in a relationship has. Getting married was a big part of me getting a grip on my money – I didn't want my husband to be impacted by my poor decision making. When we got engaged, I started making steps to improve my financial admin. My husband helped me make a spreadsheet for all of my income, which I love updating, and I keep on top of my tax well before the return is due.

I'm really interested in how you have those conversations with a partner and how they make women feel – they can have such a big impact on a relationship.

---

PSA…

I also use Plum and Penfold and recommend both. Both of those links are referral links. Not sure if you get anything with Plum, but if you sign up to Penfold via that link and transfer in a pension, we both get £25.