It's up to me. Am I up to it?

Have a banana!

Hi and welcome to The Ladybird Purse, my weekly newsletter about women and money. I’m not a financial advisor and not qualified to give financial advice.

Last week I wrote about my big dreams - living in LA, having a house by the sea with an artist’s studio (and I’d like a balcony with a view for coffee in the morning and wine in the evening please). I sent the newsletter and then googled “housing associations.” (There’s nothing available.)

My plan has been that we sell the house, use some of my portion of the proceeds to pay off debt and the rest to live off while I make some money. The plan for making money is more of a dream than a plan:

I’ll write something and either self-publish and make lots of money or I’ll get a traditional deal and make, well, probably not lots of money, but enough to live on. There are a few problems with this.

1. I haven’t finished a novel for three years.*

2. A while ago, I got the rights back to a couple of previously trad published novellas and republished them myself (they’re the two linked at the bottom of these newsletters). I’ve also self-published three non-fiction books. In eight years they’ve made a total of £1579.01, which is better than nothing, but not going to get me very far.

3. Since getting my first book deal in 2009, I’ve had 14 books (trad) published with a total advance of £42,200 and royalties of about £58,000. I got very excited when I realised I’ve earned just over £100,000 (and that is amazing, I’m not complaining), but of course it works out at under £10,000 per year. This was ok (not great) when I was married and it was a second income but is not going to be good enough now.

4. Publishing takes forever. And advances are paid in, at best, thirds. My biggest advance was for £9000 and I was delighted. But it was paid in three instalments over two years.

So my plan for the future is... something will come up. But what? And what if it doesn’t?

I’m trying to work out how to express how I feel when I write that. A tiny bit tearful but I don’t really allow that (this is a problem for a different newsletter), stomach clenching a bit? A sensation not unlike a squirrel running rampant in my head?

Basically I have no income. And no prospect of any income. (Even then there’s a little voice saying “but your paintings” - yes, I love painting, I’ve sold a bunch this year and made £2000. Again, I don’t take it for granted, it’s thrilling. But it’s not enough.

Could I get a job? I mean, I’m going to have to, aren’t I? But what? And how? My kids are home educated. I haven’t worked for anyone but myself for fifteen years. (And even when I did, I never earned much.) And I’m 50. Until quite recently it hadn’t occurred to me that my age would be a barrier (partly because I do not believe I am this age), but then friends started looking for jobs and... it absolutely is. It shouldn’t be, but it is. (But also I have to accept that I’m not exactly a dream candidate.)

God, this all sounds horribly self-pitying, I’m sorry. I’ll take a break and eat something.

Ok, I’m back (I had a banana) (hope you sang that). Basically I’ve always felt like something will come along. And something always sort of has. No matter how many nights I’ve lain awake worrying about money, we’ve always been ok. It might have meant taking the change jar to the machine in Morrisons. Or shuffling bills around or missing payments. But, of course, that was alongside ex’s regular wage. Now it’s just me (predominantly responsible for two kids).

On the one hand that makes me feel... I don’t know excited? Empowered? It’s up to me now. Just me. No one is coming to save me or bail me out. (No? Shit.)

But on the other hand... I have no fucking idea what I’m going to do.

*Not strictly the case - I wrote and published a couple of novels under a pseudonym a) to get my writing confidence back and b) as an experiment to see if I could make money self-publishing. I did it very badly and made £180 (and I’m sure spent much more).

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The mantra growing up was that you had a roof over your head, bread on the table and shoes on your feet. What more could you need? This is probably why I overspent and ended up in debt. 

Another anonymous interview this week. Heather aged 64 from Shropshire.

Why do you think women are often reluctant to talk about money?

My mother was an accountant, she retrained part-time when she was in her 40s. She worked for a law company and had been their bookkeeper. Once she qualified as an accountant they barely raised her salary to begin with and it took a long time for her to push for this. Mainly because she felt that talking about money wasn't a thing that polite people did.

My grandmother told her that she shouldn't be working in any event because it made it look like my father couldn't afford to keep her. 

Most married women I knew when I was growing up worked in small jobs; dinner ladies, shop assistants, factory workers and they weren't seen as having important money. Everyone knew what people earned within those jobs. 

The one thing I have noticed is that some women who work freelance or have their own businesses are often not good at talking about money. I had someone doing something for me and I forgot to pay for one of their sessions and her email was so apologetic in asking me for money. I paid her straight away and phoned her up and told her never to apologise for asking someone to pay what they owe. There's a difference between being polite and being apologetic. 

I'm not sure how much of it is to do with how we value ourselves. So, more concisely, is there a reluctance to talk about money because it is putting a value on ourselves and furthermore, it's not a well-mannered thing to do. Subconsciously I'm sure.

What is your relationship with money currently?

My relationship now with money is healthy. When I was much younger it wasn't - I got into debt and was using credit cards to pay credit cards. I sorted that out and when J and I got together we agreed that we would always pay credit cards off each month and that if we couldn't afford something we wouldn't have it. This is why our dining room chairs are about 40 years old and don't match.

I share finances with J and I tend to manage the money. We have joint accounts and we each have our own credit card. I earn sporadically and have a small pension. 

What’s your earliest money memory? 

Seeing a £5 note in my mother's purse and asking her if I could have sweets and she told me she couldn't afford them (we were broke back then) and I said that was a lie because she had 5 pounds. 

Do you remember your mum’s response? Did you parents talk to you about money growing up? 

My mother was pretty calm about it all and explained that living in a house cost money and keeping warm cost money and buying food etc. My father talked about pensions all the time which I found insanely boring and then when I was about 55 I wished I'd given it more consideration. 

My parents had different views on money; my mother managed the finances and Dad didn't really know what things cost (I remember having a Saturday job and telling him that I'd spent £1.50 on a pair of shoes (1972) and I thought he might have a stroke.

My mother told me it was best if I didn't mention things like that to him. He was a refugee and had spent much of the war in very difficult circumstances and I think he came from a poor background to begin with. He didn't have things because he wanted them but because he needed them. His view was that you only needed one pair of shoes because you could only wear one pair at a time. 

The mantra growing up was that you had a roof over your head, bread on the table and shoes on your feet. What more could you need? This is probably why I overspent and ended up in debt. 

What’s the biggest money mistake you’ve made? 

Probably cashing in pensions when I left jobs and then spending the money.

What’s your best money memory? 

When J and I decided we were going to live together, I was moving from the town I lived in to where he lived. He sat me down and got a notebook out and showed me how much he earned, what the mortgage was, the running costs of the house and what was spare each month and how this was our money to be spent as we both needed.

I was lucky and picked up some work fairly quickly but there had always been this great reassurance that he had my back when I was moving into the unknown. 

What’s the best thing you’ve ever spent money on? 

The best thing I've spent money on is the first house we bought. The second best thing I've spent money on is travel.

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