"I've had to do a lot of work to release my shame and fear around money, and to understand what true agency is."

I am hot and tired. Are you also hot and tired?

Hi and welcome to The Ladybird Purse, my weekly newsletter about women and money. I’m not a financial advisor, I’m just trying to work it all out. In this heat. Can you imagine.

I… don’t seem to have anything to say. Things are trucking along. The year is flying by. It’s really hot. I bought a blackout blind to help me sleep better/later and it’s working, but last night at some point the cat (Noodles) came in and left my door wide open, so the light from the rest of the flat woke me up at 5:40. And the vibes have felt off since. (Noodles is fast asleep next to me right now, of course.)

So I have nothing useful to say right now. Sorry. Fingers crossed for next week.

But what I do have this week is an excellent interview with Anna, who writes Anna and the Elephant.

If you’re not a paid subscriber already, I’d love it if you’d consider upgrading. Paid subscribers receive a second weekly post - and will soon* get a preview of my money coaching course - along with access to three (3) years of archives.

*I feel like I’ve been saying “soon” for a while now, but I have stagefright - or what a friend calls workfright. Going to have to just go for it. You’re all nice, I don’t know what I’m worrying about.

If you would like a paid sub, but can’t swing it right now, email me and I’ll sort it.

---

An interview with Anna

Anna is an Immigrant Writer, Contemporary Artist and Sex Worker based in London.

At 17, she fled domestic abuse with €200 and now lives sustainably, having built savings and pensions.

At the age of 39, she declared her new religion to be 'Self Care' - and is devoting her life to centring her decisions, actions and voice around her sense of self and primary needs, many of which are based on money awareness and wellbeing.

So far her dedication has helped her to navigate her day-to-day as a person living with CPTSD, and ensures her connection with her True Self- which she sees as her loving 80 year old future self- the 'one who knows', and wants what is best for her.

What is your relationship with money currently?

Safe, secure and sustainable.

But, yet again, I am pivoting in my career path. I'm trying to do so from a place of inner trust and prioritising rest, having learned the hard way through numerous burn outs and scraping by on a few pence in the past. Still, everything now just feels so 'new'.

This business of starting again at 40 feels Sisyphean at times, but I'd rather do what I can than rest on my laurels and feel regret later.

Previously I have gone into panic, struggle and survival mode- which, it turns out, are my 'natural' and 'normal' states.

It's taking every thing I've got to just allow myself to be in process with this change.

I currently work less than part time, and can cover my bills as I'm clear on my outgoings and income.

Working in Sex Work, it's incredibly challenging having to deal with financial stigma and shaming from government institutions and banks, this only adds to the struggle and has been incredibly detrimental to my mental health.

I’m embarrassed to admit I’d never actually thought about stigma and shaming from these institutions. How has it manifested and how have you dealt with it?

Even from the very beginning I haven't been able to disclose to banks that I work in Sex Work, out of fear they will close my account. This has happened to several Sex Workers I know, and they have been left in limbo.

The closure of our accounts, even the threat to close them, feels like 'control through shaming'. Two banks have already stopped accepting my Web Camming payments abruptly, and I now have to pay extra charges to go through a different system.

Their puppeteering with our finances suffocates our sense of agency, and coerces us into believing that we are not 'respectable' people, which is awful, as a large percentage of us begin Sex Work out of survival and facing impending poverty, and the rest just want the money to advance in life.

It's 'money-mind' trickery, compounding our stress through piety.

Once, when I tried to open a business bank account at a popular high street bank and said that I worked as a Stripper (I didn't, but I thought this would be more appeasing than saying Escort), I was told that their bank 'doesn't want anything to do with the Sex Industry'. I found this very odd, as over half my clients were bankers, some working in their very own investment sector.

All this, while we are bound by law to pay tax.

It's a wheel of oppressive red tape, that keeps a lot of us milling around in Sex Work, as we can't expand as fluidly as our clients can. But it's the same money, just passing from their hands to ours.

Banks just don't get that we are people to invest in, resourceful, entrepreneurial and visionary, who require service and support to deal with investing, property and, well, growth.

I'm glad, and proud, to say that I am able to cope, and actually live well, despite all of their foolishness and sanctimonious double standards around morality, respectability and how it relates to money.

What’s your earliest money memory?

I have a few. The first one isn't really about money, but it's about commodity - at a school bake sale, my 1st class teacher shouted across the room - 'Anna hasn't brought anything in!' I'd asked my mother the day before, but she became angry and didn't give me anything to share, so I turned up empty-handed. I was 6.

It may seem small, but I was mortified into silence, and internalised that if I didn't give anything to people who already have plenty, I would be humiliated.

This led me to over give as an adolescent and adult, always draining myself financially, and energetically, even when I didn't have enough for myself to begin with. So, I was a prime target for abusive and controlling relationships- which occurred later in my life.

Then, as a teen, I remember my older sister just taking money from me, cash that was given to me as a gift, and notes straight from my purse. It was as if they were hers to take, she never showed any shame or remorse around it.

The wages from my first job, aged 15, were paid directly into my mother's bank account. She kept the majority of it. I later learned that this was financial abuse, and of course this isn't the whole story - I also survived under her coercive control until I could finally leave at 17.

I've had to do a lot of work to release my shame and fear around money, and to understand what true agency is. It's been painful and enraging, extremely so, but I've done it and I'm relishing my peace.

What advice would you give your younger self about money?

Your money is yours, and no one else's.

Just because people can't cope with your work, that doesn't mean shit.

It's a job, like everyone needs to have, and it's as simple as that.

They can't comprehend it because they choose not to, and that's not your problem or responsibility.

This is what I would tell my 20year old self, who had just started in Sex Work, firstly out of survival, then later it became a choice. She was beautiful and resourceful, kind, and a true warrior. My heart is bursting with love for her.

What’s the biggest money mistake you’ve made?

Trusting people who told me I was selfish for not 'helping' - i.e. enabling - a financially abusive manchild, and subsequently being drained of my resources. These people were those I went to for support and guidance, but they were more interested in delivering smug lectures than actually listening. My gut instinct was screaming, but I didn't take heed.

Now, I will always, always, listen to even the slightest intuition from my centre, (gut and heart) - this is my truth, and I never need to explain that to anyone.

What’s the best thing you’ve ever spent money on?

My home!

And I love it!

Finally, I have the sanctuary and safety I always deserved.

Do you have a retirement fund? If not, do you have a plan?

Yes, and I pay into it monthly.

Diligently and as an act of loving devotion.

What would you do with £10,000?

Invest it into my pension.

What little luxury could you get with a tenner?

Vegan chocolates and fresh berries.

If you were me, what would you want to ask women about money?

Do you feel that women are unfairly told that they are undeserving of money?

And/or 'have you ever felt shame around money? For having more than enough, or not having enough.

If you’d prefer not to subscribe, but would still like to support me/this newsletter, you can make a one-off payment: