Money and Divorce.
Things You Must Do Straight Away Which Are Boring. The first of a series of guest posts from Holly Bell
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Recently, a Ladybird Purse subscriber asked for a post about money and divorce and since Holly’s book was by far the most helpful thing I’ve read on the subject, I asked if I could share an excerpt and she kindly agreed. Over to Holly.
There’s so much to say about money and divorce it’s hard to know where to start…
I was extremely naïve when I decided to leave my ex-husband back in 2017. Actually scrap that, I was extremely naïve when I entered into a legal contract with him (i.e. marriage) back in 2008.
Unfortunately, I learnt the hard way how badly wrong the finance side of divorce can go, even when things are initially amicable. Hopefully my bad choices can help others.
Anyway, enough waffle, here are a few bits from my book which may help your readers. Each mini chapter is short and prefaced with a true story, hopefully making it as bitesize and accessible as possible. There’s WAY more detail in my book, but these are the bare bones of what’s important.
(Oh, and in case you haven’t already guessed, nope, I won’t be marrying again, not unless my partner manages to accrue the same assets as me. No man will ever get in the way of my son’s inheritance again!)
The Rehearsal
Once I decided it was over, I couldn’t get him out the house fast enough. I wanted it done. I think in hindsight I was a bit too brutal. The thing is I’d lived with the thought of divorce for some time and come to terms with what it would mean. I forgot he hadn’t. I told him it was over and expected him to be at the stage I was at, but of course he wasn’t. He was completely blindsided and acted like a wounded animal. I have a lot of regrets about it now, as I think my approach wasn’t exactly conducive to a smooth separation. If I could do it again, I would be kinder, slower, gentler. Fiona, 47.
When you’re the one ending the marriage, once you’ve hit the wall, it can be very tempting to push forward and rip the plaster off. You rehearse and rehearse the moment where you state your case for a divorce. (Unlikely that these rehearsals factor in your spouse’s response.) It all feels clean at this point. You envisage a Chris Martin/Gwyneth Paltrow-style conscious uncoupling, helping each other out when dating, maybe you might all be able to hang out together… Stop right now. These are fantasies.
Very few couples will be able to maintain a close friendship post-divorce. With that in mind you need to prepare. Live with the decision alone a little. Think about the steps you would take if you knew you would never see your spouse again. If they dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow, what would you wish you had done to prepare? For the person you know right now, that man you made vows with, maybe whose babies you grew in your body, from the moment you tell him it’s over, he is no longer the same version of the man you married.
In just the same way that every child experiences how they are parented differently to their sibling, so too must you accept that your (ex) husband will change on his own terms from the moment you call it a day, for he stops being ‘yours’ from that moment. The implications of this are both practical and emotional.
Think about it – is the internet provider account in his sole name? The man you knew when you were married would never refuse to sign this over to you, would he? He would never be so cruel and punitive. Well, prepare to possibly be surprised.
The father of your children wouldn’t invade your privacy (would he?) and hack into your social media accounts? Not when he was the one who cheated? Consider changing your passwords on every single thing (to something he won’t guess).
You agreed the house would be signed over to you, without any buying-out cash exchanged? Get it in writing and signed off in court. People change their minds, especially when they meet a new partner.
To be very clear: they are not your husband from that split second you tell them it’s over. And hurt can make people do some out-of-character things. So prepare for battle and in the event that your husband is kind and wonderful post separation, well, what a lovely surprise. You really do see what people are made of when you divorce them.