"You will not be able to purchase your way into a new life or identity."

+ IVF, National Insurance, and earning less than a man doing nothing

I recently read a book called The Mountain is You. It’s by Brianna Wiest, who I follow on Instagram. Her posts are all text and I generally think I can’t be bothered to read them and then I do and…

Oh. Yes. Damn.

This passage in the book stopped me in my tracks:

The way you are self-sabotaging: Spending too much money.

What your subconscious mind might want you to know: Things will not make you feel more secure. You will not be able to purchase your way into a new life or identity.

You will not be able to purchase your way into a new life or identity.

Years ago (I want to say I was a teen, but I think I was probably early twenties) I read an interview with Dannii Minogue (phone changed this to “can I Minogue” no, I cannot) where she revealed the contents of her handbag. I only remember two items: Evian facial spray and a Game Boy.

On reading this, I became utterly convinced that if I had Evian facial spray and a Game Boy I would be the person I wanted to be. The person I knew I was inside, but couldn’t quite manage to coax out. Dewy of face and constantly entertained. My finger on the pulse. Comfortable in my own (hydrated) skin.

I got a Game Boy fairly soon after (let’s face it, almost certainly on credit) and I did love it. It did not make me comfortable in my own skin. (It did make me see little falling blocks whenever I closed my eyes.) It took me much longer to buy Evian spray (it’s like a fiver for a can of water, ffs) but I’m sorry to say I loved it and it briefly made me feel like I could, in fact, Minogue.

And I still do this. For work it’s planners (spent £30 on one for 2020 - binned it with nine blank months) (of course I’ve bought a 2022 planner; pigeons learn quicker than me), books (for research!), new notebooks (of course). In the past, a new laptop, though that’s been out of reach for a while. Basically anything that fits the image I have in my head of someone who has their shit together.

What hadn’t occurred to me before I read Wiest’s book was that this is one of the ways I self-sabotage. Oh of course it is. Yes. Damn. And how much have I spent on this nonsense over the years? I don’t even want to think about it.

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We went to the cinema one day while he was on gardening leave, and he got some cash out from an ATM and looked at the bank balance then said, “I’m sitting on my arse doing nothing and I’m still earning more money than you.” He found this hilarious. I didn’t!

Anonymous interview with a 50-year-old woman, London

Why do you think women are often reluctant to talk about money?

This is an excellent question and I think that it’s down to our social conditioning. It’s not ladylike, or often our partners take control of money. This then extends into jobs where if we state what we want in terms of salary (or anything really), we’re instantly labelled as troublesome, pushy, aggressive and too ambitious. Whereas men have none of these issues.

We’re often too grateful because we’re fighting over the scraps at the table when we should be coming together to demand equity.

What is your relationship with money currently?

I’m fortunate that we’re at a stage of our lives where we don’t actively worry about money. But I’m acutely aware of the fact that I’m not the one earning the bulk of it and it means that I’m not as independent as I’d like to be.

I don’t like talking about money still, but my husband and I do and it’s important at 50 to know where you think your life might be going, when he’ll retire and how much disposable income we might have.

I am the type of person who likes to know how much debt we have, how much money saved, what potential outgoings there are. I’m happy to budget, etc. I’m about to start earning a bit of my own money again and I have to fight the urge to ring fence it for myself because we've had joint finances for almost 25 years now.

What’s your earliest money memory?

It has to be getting pocket money to buy sweets. Then later, opening my first bank account at Barclays.

What’s the biggest money mistake you’ve made?

Giving a loft conversion company thousands of pounds as a deposit for work they were going to do and then losing it as they raised the total cost so high that it would’ve been cheaper to buy a new house! I should have known because the only plans they gave us were some hand drawn sketches!

What’s the best thing you’ve ever spent money on?

IVF. Hands down the best thing.

Can I ask about IVF? Did you save up for it? Was it a struggle to pay?

Yes, we saved up for IVF. I had two cycles and we didn’t ask the NHS to fund. After the first cycle didn’t work, the doctor also pointed out that stress didn’t help. My job was very stressful and I decided to take four months off work to get pregnant. I then saved up to be able to do this and still pay the household bills. Thankfully, it worked the second time around.

The money meant that there was always a limit on how many times we’d try too. Even though we were earning decent money at the time. The main thing that strikes me about this now is that it was me who saved part of my salary in order to take time off, not my husband.

Also, a (not so) funny story about my husband and I. My husband and I met at work and did a very similar job. We were on the same level when I left to try and have a baby, and in the meantime, he was promoted while I wasn’t. He had no real chance of promotion at his firm because they seemed to require partners to die or retire before admitting new ones and my firm wasn’t like this, so I arranged for him to see some partners at my firm and, long story short, they hired him.

We went to the cinema one day while he was on gardening leave, and he got some cash out from an ATM and looked at the bank balance then said, “I’m sitting on my arse doing nothing and I’m still earning more money than you.” He found this hilarious. I didn’t!

Do you have a fuck off/running away fund?

I don’t have a fuck-off fund. The main reason I don’t is because my husband isn’t very tech savvy, so I’m the one who manages our bank accounts online. If I ever needed to run off, I’d clear out half and go!

What would you do with £10,000?

Is it too late to put it into a pension? With so much time off to have my kids, then unemployment for 11 years, my pension provision is pitiful. So if I could do that, I would.

Finally, if you were me, what one question would you want to ask women about money?

Did you know that a gap in employment (often to have a child for women) means that you pay less National Insurance and that this will have an impact in the level of state pension that you get? Have you thought of topping this up?