Death and grief and money
Yes, it’s another fun-packed post!
Hi and welcome to The Ladybird Purse, my weekly newsletter about women and money. I’m not a financial advisor and not qualified to give financial advice.
Earlier this month, it was the 24th anniversary of my mum’s death. I’ve been thinking about her a lot, obviously, but particularly in relation to how I feel about money.
I wrote a while ago about my parents and money and you can read that here
but I think what I always forget or downplay how much it all affected and influenced me.
Right now, I’m having to really cut back. More than I have for a long time. In the past, when things got this bad, I felt like a total failure. I hated having to cancel, say, Amazon Prime, or to buy marked down stuff at the supermarket. (Pretty much everything my mum bought had a yellow reduced sticker.) But this time it feels different. This time it feels like a positive choice. Like I’m being proactive.
I do have this weird magical thinking thing where I almost welcome rock bottom because I think it will Teach Me Something, but also everything that’s going on with me and money is teaching me something. Even if that something is that sometimes I can be a complete dickhead with money.
A while ago, I saw a counsellor and pretty much every issue that ever came up could be directly drawn back to my mum getting ill. I remember at one point bringing something up and saying “And that’s got nothing to do with my mum!” And the counsellor said “Hasn’t it? Because…” And, yeah, it totally did.
And I know that my money issues stem from that and also from my dad being made redundant not long after, but I don’t think I’ve realised just how much? Or how much the trauma of everything affected me and still affects me. Even calling it trauma is new for me. I think it was the counsellor again when I said “But I don’t understand because I haven’t really had any trauma” and she looked at me like this
I was 28 when my mum died, which is young, but not too young, not traumatically young. But I was maybe 13 when she was diagnosed with MS and everything changed. Thirteen is young. Thirteen is formative.
A couple of years ago, I was listening to Cariad Lloyd’s fantastic Grief Cast podcast (I’m reading her book, You Are Not Alone, at the moment because I really need to get to grips with this whole people die and they never come back business1). She was talking to Felix White, whose mum died of MS when he was 17. At one point he said that he stopped being a teenager when his mum got ill. I had to stop and breathe when he said that. I hadn’t thought of it before, but he’s absolutely right.
I’ve thought a lot about how I was a rubbish teenager. (And how I’ve made up for it a since.)
But I hadn’t put it together with money. I can’t really think about my mum without thinking about money. About Dad being made redundant. Mum getting ill. Mum worried and stressed, while Dad just carried on as before, totally blase.
I remember saying I wasn’t going to be like Mum. I wasn’t going to have to scrimp and save and worry. But I don’t want to be like Dad either. I don’t want to spend any money I have with no regard for anyone else. Also, I’ve just turned bloody 52! Shouldn’t I have got a handle on this by now?
But maybe I’m still stuck at 13. Emotionally. Financially. Maybe I need to actually try being an adult. Finally.
(I found this podcast really helpful as an introduction to the concept of financial trauma.)
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An interview with… Holly Bell
Holly Bell was a finalist on the 2011 Great British Bake Off. Since then she's written two recipe books, a non fiction book about divorce and started a business Mrs Bells Brownies. She's a mum of three sons, lives in Leicester and writes about her life over on What Did She Say?
What is your relationship with money currently?
Not as good as it could be at the moment. Money feels a bit tight, as I think it does for everyone. I am trying not to see the last few months as a disaster money wise but I've had some large expenses which in hindsight were avoidable.
One was a holiday I had to cancel with another family due to some issues between the children. I offered to pay the whole deposit, the other family agreed and so, well I coughed up. It feels unfair, but then I did offer. I have thought a lot about it, as it has meant we aren't having a 'nice' holiday this year now. (I'm well aware that many people won't have a holiday at all, so I feel a sense of trepidation even mentioning this, but it's loomed large in my mind).
A good friend has helped put my mind at ease after I chatted to her. She said that I did the right thing and can hold my head up high about the whole episode. I am trying to remember her words every time I feel a rise of irritation about it. Perhaps the real issue here is that I still need validation from a friend for my actions at the grand old age of 43?
The other big expense has been paying for a private assessment for one of my children which has resulted in an inconclusive diagnosis and a recommendation for future assessment to only take place in the NHS. Again, it feels unfair. I wouldn't have started the process privately if I knew this was a possibility. It was a costly exercise and I'll admit I've shed tears over it. Essentially I paid a lot of money to be right back where I started from.
I have always lived with a very 'credit/debit' style attitude to money. I remember back in my early twenties selling all the gifts a cheating ex had bought me at a car boot sale. The aim was to make enough to pay for the travel insurance I needed to take a trip away. Recently, to try and recoup some of the lost money I've been selling lots of wishful-thinking-clothes on Vinted and eBay. I'm not a Catholic, but my father's side all are and I do wonder if this is some learnt behaviour of needing to suffer for my mistakes.
I feel like I'm at a real crossroads with my earnings of late. I can't work in a 'proper' job as one of my sons has additional needs and I have to be on stand by to go into his school if they call me, but I'm reminded whenever my back twinges that lugging about 25kg bags of caster sugar isn't hugely future proof. I wrote about it on my Substack. Of course, since then I've had 101 more ideas... (I have ADHD - don't even mention the whole 'band wagon' media reports of late).
What’s your earliest money memory?
My Mum making me calculate and check the change in shops. My mother is extremely good with money. She bought her own flat when she was 19, at a time when the bank wanted her father to be a guarantor on the mortgage simply because she's a woman. She had a good, steady job as a police officer and a sizeable deposit. She raged against them and refused. She got her mortgage! She has always been the controller of all things financial in my parents home.
From a very young age I had a building society account and was given weekly pocket money. If I wanted I could top it up by car washing or ironing my grandmother's clothes. Whilst I was encouraged to save, it was made clear to me that my pocket money was my money to do as I wished with.
I strongly feel that being able to make mistakes with my money as a child was crucial to my financial education. I've done the same with my boys and watched as they've learned that buying a new skin on Fortnite might feel great in the moment, but a week later less good when your wallet's empty and you wish you'd saved the skin money for a magazine instead.
What advice would you give your younger self about money?
To be less generous when in love.
I show my love through gifting. I wish I didn't. I've spent a lot of money on men over the years demonstrating my feelings. All that money adds up to a lot. I should have shoved it all into a pension. But hey, I've got some excellent stories.
What’s the biggest money mistake you’ve made?
Getting married.
I met my ex husband one Christmas and married him 4 months later. We were together for almost 9 years before I ended the marriage. If only we'd just lived together I would be so much better off. I have always been conservative with money, a saver. After we split I put a significant amount of money into the house to reduce the eye watering mortgage. I only did this because we'd agreed that given there was very little equity in it he would sign it over to me and I would take over the payments in full.
Guess what? He changed his mind within a year of being divorced. Because everything was so amicable at first we hadn't completed the financial side of the divorce. Essentially we were still tied together through assets and the starting point is 50/50 for the division in the UK. I had been very naïve. One half term a letter arrived from his solicitor which began years of litigation. I had a breakdown. It was a wretched time and I don't think I will ever truly recover from the mediation and court hearings.
I honestly feel that I never knew him at all. That's been the hardest part. In the end we settling before the final hearing and I had to pay him a significant amount of money. All the mortgage payments and bills paid out on the house in the time time between him leaving and the settlement weren't taken into account, yet the increase in value over the years was. It still makes no sense to me, but then that's the legal system for you.
The worst part is that things have not gotten any better since then, in fact I'd say they're worse. It feels like a life sentence of being punished for having been the one to call time on the relationship. Then there's the issue of being owed thousands of pounds through the Child Maintenance Service. I don't count on the £235 a month he is supposed to contribute to our sons upbringing because experience has told me it's not reliable.
On a positive note I will never tie myself to another man financially again. Well, certainly not one who has less to lose than me. My boyfriend of 6 years is keen to marry. I've made the deal very clear to him; once he has the same assets as me, we can marry, but until then I won't risk my sons inheritance again.
What’s the best thing you’ve ever spent money on?
A train ticket to London. Last June my best friend Victoria died of breast cancer. Her husband urged me to get the early train to see her as he wasn't sure how long she had left. I bought an early ticket praying I would get once last day with her. I got there in time, and whilst she couldn't speak or see by then, I was lucky to spend a whole day in her company. I held her hand, washed her, cleaned her room and reminded her of some of our escapades. We had so much joy together in the 20 years we had. She died 4 days later. I still go to text her when something funny happens and have that jolt to the heart that she's gone.
In the last few years of Victoria's life we didn't see each other in person very much. Our children kept us busy. I wish I'd spent more money on train tickets to see her. I miss her every day. She was the best of the best.
Do you have a pension? If not, do you have a plan?
I have a very tiny pension that I took out when I was 22 in my first job in advertising. I only paid into it for a year so I think it might pay around £20 a month when I am of pension age. By then maybe enough for a coffee?
But I have a plan! I have a property I let out. I bought it when I was 23 and spent my pre-children years learning DIY and slowly doing it up. The income will be my pension and I will likely sell my current home and downsize. My boyfriend and I have a long term plan to live in Spain when the kids have left, but I'm not sure how realistic that is given one of the boys may need some support as an adult. We'll see. Might be an idea to learn Spanish in the meantime!
What would you do with £10,000?
I would spend £2000 towards a holiday for myself and the boys and the rest I'd overpay on my mortgage. Yes I really am that dull and sensible.
If you were me, what would you want to ask women about money?
I'd be the Debbie Downer and ask them if they understood the financial implications of marriage and divorce. You're essentially entering into a financial contract when you marry, yet there's no warning, no set of terms and conditions to read through.
When I was researching my book about divorce2 the main regret the women I interviewed had was not understanding what marriage truly meant.
You know what though? I still think it’s absolutely unbelievable. And we all just accept it? And carry on regardless? Bananas.
Holly’s book is incredibly helpful. I recommend it.
These comments are all making me cry. I didn't think this through.
*laughs and cries*
Having lost my mum at around the same age, it's bloody young. Young enough that I have occasionally felt (privately) furious at people who lost a parent when they were 50, 60 telling me they understand - because no, not quite, not when there's so much of your life you expected someone to be there for and they won't be. When mum died I kept hanging on the thought that if I live to be her age I will have spent more than half my life without her. My grandma (her mother) died only two years before mum. The gulf between those two things felt, and still feels unimaginable. Mum only died a few years ago but it already feels like a terribly long time and no time at all and some weeks I barely think of her and others I have regular big cries (this would be the second this week) as something sets it off. I also know I have PTSD from the trauma of seeing what she went through. So in a way it's kind of reassuring to know she will still be as important to me in 24 years time - even if I'd like to learn how to get past the trauma and grief a little better. I mean I wrote a whole book about it you'd think that would have got some of it out. I'm not ready for griefcast, but seeing you talk about your mum always makes me feel a little more seen, so thank you Keris. x