I’m stuck at 10/11 because of the trauma that started in my childhood home at that time. I’ve learned how much I create my own chaos because of it, in so many ways, including financial. I just have to manage it and, of course, I fuck up repeatedly and have to go again. It’s a process. It takes as long as it takes. At least you’re aware of it. Some people never get to that point.
I know what you mean about discovering trauma in your life. I still struggle to accept I've been abused and traumatised in my life because I always believe these things are my fault and that I deserved them.
You have what that podcast calls “capital T trauma”, no question. I guess believing that you deserved it is part of the trauma too. Sending love, as always.
I think the theory goes that we all have lowercase trauma - can’t live in a capitalist patriarchy and avoid it - but some (many) of us have the uppercase kind too.
Having lost my mum at around the same age, it's bloody young. Young enough that I have occasionally felt (privately) furious at people who lost a parent when they were 50, 60 telling me they understand - because no, not quite, not when there's so much of your life you expected someone to be there for and they won't be. When mum died I kept hanging on the thought that if I live to be her age I will have spent more than half my life without her. My grandma (her mother) died only two years before mum. The gulf between those two things felt, and still feels unimaginable. Mum only died a few years ago but it already feels like a terribly long time and no time at all and some weeks I barely think of her and others I have regular big cries (this would be the second this week) as something sets it off. I also know I have PTSD from the trauma of seeing what she went through. So in a way it's kind of reassuring to know she will still be as important to me in 24 years time - even if I'd like to learn how to get past the trauma and grief a little better. I mean I wrote a whole book about it you'd think that would have got some of it out. I'm not ready for griefcast, but seeing you talk about your mum always makes me feel a little more seen, so thank you Keris. x
Seriously. Like, my own death is enough to worry about, but also people can just stop existing??? AT LITERALLY ANY TIME. Whose fucking bright idea was that?
I totally hear you on the “trauma? What trauma?” thing. I thought trauma was being in a war/major accident/losing a parent in childhood/being abused/someone trying to murder you. That was pretty much my list of what “counted”. Then my coach referred to some stuff that happened to me as trauma and I baulked a bit. Now I kind of see that every adult and quite a lot of children will have suffered a trauma of some sort, and whilst some people just shrug it off, most of us don’t, and we need to process and unpick the stuff that we’re built to protect ourselves from that trauma. Kind of like resetting a bone we’ve allowed to heal “naturally” rather than getting professionally plaster cast in the first place.
13 is hella young to be dealing with a parent with a degenerative illness, and presumably being a young carer for some of that time? If the only thing the link between that trauma and your money related behaviours does is relieve you of any shame you feel, then that has been a very important revelation indeed.
And please do release any shame you feel re: money behaviours. Shame was the biggest thing that I released on getting my ADHD diagnosis and that was HUGE for me. (I think undiagnosed neurodivergence is a kind of trauma, hence me making a seemingly nonsensical link there!)
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I love the broken bone analogy.
I don’t think I was a carer as such, but me and mum were very close and she did talk to me about stuff she probably shouldn’t have and I probably took on some of the emotional load I could have done without.
And I absolutely agree that undiagnosed neurodivergence counts as trauma.
I *think* I’m doing ok, shame-wise, but no doubt it’ll leap up and smack me again at some point.
What an incredible honest and vulnerable share from you both. Thank-you!!
Gosh financially literacy is so so important for us isn’t it. 💜 I need to make a list of goals. The writer Cait Flanders has started a thread here about how we feel about money - it’s so so insightful! ✨⚖️✏️
I actually love my banking app! I’m with Monzo and I love that it’s all instant and that I can make pots and move money around for different expenses. It changed my life. I avoid plenty of other stuff tho 😬
So interesting what you say about trauma & counselling. Whilst not related to money for me, I started seeing a counsellor last year after putting it off for years as I thought I "didn't need it badly enough". But it's true that we all have some kind of trauma and talking about it is so, so helpful. (Have just scrolled down through the other comments and seeing so many people saying the same thing!) xxx
(f)un-packed a lot of important things in this post - financial trauma is a crucial concept that I appreciate you're addressing
There's just always something else isn't there? xx
I’m stuck at 10/11 because of the trauma that started in my childhood home at that time. I’ve learned how much I create my own chaos because of it, in so many ways, including financial. I just have to manage it and, of course, I fuck up repeatedly and have to go again. It’s a process. It takes as long as it takes. At least you’re aware of it. Some people never get to that point.
I’m sorry. It’s so hard!
I know what you mean about discovering trauma in your life. I still struggle to accept I've been abused and traumatised in my life because I always believe these things are my fault and that I deserved them.
You have what that podcast calls “capital T trauma”, no question. I guess believing that you deserved it is part of the trauma too. Sending love, as always.
capital 'T', eh? Uppercase shouty x
I think the theory goes that we all have lowercase trauma - can’t live in a capitalist patriarchy and avoid it - but some (many) of us have the uppercase kind too.
I'm nodding like I absolutely understand what all that means.
Having lost my mum at around the same age, it's bloody young. Young enough that I have occasionally felt (privately) furious at people who lost a parent when they were 50, 60 telling me they understand - because no, not quite, not when there's so much of your life you expected someone to be there for and they won't be. When mum died I kept hanging on the thought that if I live to be her age I will have spent more than half my life without her. My grandma (her mother) died only two years before mum. The gulf between those two things felt, and still feels unimaginable. Mum only died a few years ago but it already feels like a terribly long time and no time at all and some weeks I barely think of her and others I have regular big cries (this would be the second this week) as something sets it off. I also know I have PTSD from the trauma of seeing what she went through. So in a way it's kind of reassuring to know she will still be as important to me in 24 years time - even if I'd like to learn how to get past the trauma and grief a little better. I mean I wrote a whole book about it you'd think that would have got some of it out. I'm not ready for griefcast, but seeing you talk about your mum always makes me feel a little more seen, so thank you Keris. x
Yes, my mum’s best friend died a year before she did and her daughter’s just hit that “half life” milestone. It’s awful.
I remember you losing your mum and how much you loved her. Your comment means a lot xx
The waking up each day and pushing aside the finality of death long enough to fix the flat tire and get to the dentist and worry about money thing.
Seriously. Like, my own death is enough to worry about, but also people can just stop existing??? AT LITERALLY ANY TIME. Whose fucking bright idea was that?
It’s SUCH a shitty deal. I do not have the temperament for those kinds of stakes.
These comments are all making me cry. I didn't think this through.
*laughs and cries*
I totally hear you on the “trauma? What trauma?” thing. I thought trauma was being in a war/major accident/losing a parent in childhood/being abused/someone trying to murder you. That was pretty much my list of what “counted”. Then my coach referred to some stuff that happened to me as trauma and I baulked a bit. Now I kind of see that every adult and quite a lot of children will have suffered a trauma of some sort, and whilst some people just shrug it off, most of us don’t, and we need to process and unpick the stuff that we’re built to protect ourselves from that trauma. Kind of like resetting a bone we’ve allowed to heal “naturally” rather than getting professionally plaster cast in the first place.
13 is hella young to be dealing with a parent with a degenerative illness, and presumably being a young carer for some of that time? If the only thing the link between that trauma and your money related behaviours does is relieve you of any shame you feel, then that has been a very important revelation indeed.
And please do release any shame you feel re: money behaviours. Shame was the biggest thing that I released on getting my ADHD diagnosis and that was HUGE for me. (I think undiagnosed neurodivergence is a kind of trauma, hence me making a seemingly nonsensical link there!)
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment. I love the broken bone analogy.
I don’t think I was a carer as such, but me and mum were very close and she did talk to me about stuff she probably shouldn’t have and I probably took on some of the emotional load I could have done without.
And I absolutely agree that undiagnosed neurodivergence counts as trauma.
I *think* I’m doing ok, shame-wise, but no doubt it’ll leap up and smack me again at some point.
What an incredible honest and vulnerable share from you both. Thank-you!!
Gosh financially literacy is so so important for us isn’t it. 💜 I need to make a list of goals. The writer Cait Flanders has started a thread here about how we feel about money - it’s so so insightful! ✨⚖️✏️
Thank you. And it really is. And so many of us still avoid thinking about it at all.
I HATE going on my bank! I need to change that because it’s all fine.
Me and my friend sent each other the same amount of money to swap services last week - it was an up level!
I actually love my banking app! I’m with Monzo and I love that it’s all instant and that I can make pots and move money around for different expenses. It changed my life. I avoid plenty of other stuff tho 😬
Ah I had Monzo but never used it and they charge right?
No, it’s free. There’s a premium thing you can upgrade to, if you like, but obvs no necessary.
So interesting what you say about trauma & counselling. Whilst not related to money for me, I started seeing a counsellor last year after putting it off for years as I thought I "didn't need it badly enough". But it's true that we all have some kind of trauma and talking about it is so, so helpful. (Have just scrolled down through the other comments and seeing so many people saying the same thing!) xxx
I’m glad it’s helping. And lovely to see you here! Xx