"It’s like rats in London, I’m never more than 6 feet away from financial disaster."
+ ADHD, unstable incomes, and a cunning plan
Hi and welcome to The Ladybird Purse, my weekly newsletter about women and money. I’m not a financial advisor and am in no way qualified to give financial advice. But I’ve got a Harry Styles gif for every occasion.
Last Friday - Friday the 13th - I woke up early and checked my phone, hoping that my grant payment would have come through. They’d told me it would be paid on the 13th, but sometimes when someone (usually a publisher) tells me that it’s either a) not true, or b) the payment is actioned that day, but then takes an age to hit my account.
I’d checked my account to see what happened with the last payment and it had been in my account on the day they said it would be paid. So I was hopeful.
When I first checked my phone, at maybe 5.30am, the payment wasn’t here. I was overdrawn. I’d put money aside for rent, but not enough. And rent was due on the 15th. My heart sank. I had the option to borrow from a friend - she’d told me never to hesitate to ask - but I really, really didn’t want to do that.
The next time I checked my phone, about ten minutes later, the money was in.
Last year, when the payment was made I was thrilled, excited. I couldn’t believe it had happened. I thought I was dreaming or I’d died.1
This time… was not like that. And I do not feel great about it.
Obviously, I’m still incredibly grateful and thrilled. But that panic feeling when the money wasn’t there? I need to deal with that. So far, I’ve been dealing with it by… trying to teach myself not to panic. Which is valuable! I’ve made a lot of progress! But now I need to work on not allowing myself to get into that position in the first place.
And, yes, if you’ve been reading this Substack for a while, you’ll know I’ve been saying this for a while. I am limited in what I can do. But what I can do, I’m doing. And I’ll talk about that soon.
Loved this post from Café Anne:
It made me think of Katherine Ryan’s show How Did You Get So Rich (which I’ve just learned was the UK version of a US show hosted by Joan Rivers). If you can find it, it’s worth a watch.
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An interview with Rowan Coleman
Rowan Coleman is the internationally bestselling and award winning author of fifteen novels including THE MEMORY BOOK, THE SUMMER OF IMPOSSIBLE THINGS and THE GIRL AT THE WINDOW. Her latest novel FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER is out now.
A life long Bronte fan, under the Bronte inspired pen name Bella Ellis, Rowan also writes the Bronte Mysteries - a carefully researched series of novels that imagine that before they were were famous the Bronte Sisters were amateur detectives. THE VANISHED BRIDE and THE DIABOLICAL BONES, The RED MONARCH and a GIFT OF POISON are out now.
What is your relationship with money currently?
My current relationship with money is not great, I’d go so far to say as disastrous.
I read your Substack a couple of weeks ago, and you quoted something about having a Pollyanna attitude to money, and that it will all work out somehow. I am half this person, and half the person who lays awake worrying about having the house repossessed.
I am mildly entertained that I immediately bought the book you referred to in the post2, and it’s still unopened in its packaging in my porch.
That basically sums me and money up perfectly. I want to change, but also, I don’t want to open the package.
How does ADHD affect your financial decision-making?
A LOT. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 50, which is a complicated thing in itself, but it has given me a lot of context for my financial behaviour and dopamine chasing.
For example, as I posted on social media last week, my go to solution for financial anxiety is to buy stuff. This is crazy! I know it is crazy! But for me it’s like dieting (which also never worked for me) you refrain, and refrain, and refrain and then you go wild and eat everything, because tomorrow might never come right? Life is for living, right?
So, I am impulsive and I’m always all in. If I decide to try a hobby I get EVERY LAST BIT OF EQUIPMENT for it and then very often go right off it. I got away with this behaviour for a long time because I was making a decent amount of money, but now it’s something I really need to address and I don’t know how, honestly. I suppose opening that package might help…
The thing with ADHD is that one is in a constant state of destabilisation. Personally, I always feel like I am in trouble for something, but I’m not sure what, and that I’m not trying hard enough, and that I’m failing myself and everyone else. My answer to that is earrings. And also tattoos, and also therapy. I only REALLY need one of those. I can’t afford any of them.
How can family and friends support someone with ADHD in managing money?
I would love to know this! My immediate family is ND AF so honestly, they are not much help. (Love you guys!)
I am a novelist married to a guitarist, and our incomes are wildly unstable. It doesn’t help that we are both hyper focused on wanting to do what we want to do, but it has made me branch out into other disciplines. So I’ve learned how to write scripts in the last few years (obvs this is also not a reliable income) but I have earned some income and acquired a new skill, which is cool. I also teach and low key offer editorial and mentoring services, which I should market and advertise more formally than I do. And I sometimes write for podcasts.
I’m doing 4/5 jobs to try and earn enough to keep up with outgoings, which I have brought down as far as I can. (Excluding stupid impulse purchases.)
The interest rate rise (thanks, Liz) has really, really made things difficult for us. Basically, it’s like rats in London, I’m never more than 6 feet away from financial disaster.
I do have very dear and sensible writer friends with pensions and savings who try and give me advice, and I have learned a lot over the last few years.
About six years ago I did get a big advance, and if I’d had the chance I would have used to that bring my mortgage down, but the pandemic hit, I didn’t qualify for any loans or anything, and everything slowed down in terms of publishing which means that it supported my family for about three years. I’m really grateful for that, but should I ever be that lucky again I’d use it to buy financial security.
What have you found most helpful in relation to managing money with ADHD?
Waiting, I impose a cooling off period. I put things in baskets and usually I forget about them within 24 hours.
The best thing to do for anxiety is to tackle the problem head on, sort my accounts, prepare etc but I do have extreme executive disfunction paralysis with this. As I type this I know lots of people are rolling their eyes and saying oh my god just grow up, and I wish I could. I really do. But it is a thing. I think about it and my brain powers down and I stare at a wall feeling powerless.
One useful thing I found is to just take my time over stuff like train tickets and booking things. ADHD tax is a thing. The number or times its cost me double because of making mistakes or forgetting things is not funny. And I use my phone and smart watch to remind me of stuff all the time. And set everything up on direct debit so I never miss anything.
What’s your earliest money memory?
My granddad giving me a 50p piece. I was very little, he died when I was two, it’s my only memory of him too.
When my parents were married, we were always simultaneously worried about money spending it like wildfire. My dad had his own business, and he owned half a light aircraft! Madness. We were skint.
When they split up, I remember coming home from school and he had stopped paying the utility bills, and there was no electricity. I guess my mum must have known this would happen? There must have been red bills? But she didn’t sort it, he didn’t sort it and we were disconnected for a few days. She said it was because he didn’t care about us, and he said it was because she refused to take responsibility, and I quietly read a fantasy novel by torchlight in my room.
My dad got away without paying my mum maintenance, but he did have to pay me an allowance while I was in full time education. When I was at uni (which he never expected me to do) he took me to court to reduce it, which resulted in me having to stand in a court in front of a judge aged 19, listing how much things cost me, including sanitary products. So that was fun. I’m not emotionally scarred by that AT ALL.
I think all of this has contributed to my complicated feelings about money and what it’s for. For example, I find it very hard to deny my children anything because somehow, it’s wrapped up with love.
This standard 80s divorce misery and other more complicated childhood traumas I won’t go into here have also made me treat money like a salve. It takes away the pain for a bit.
What advice would you give your younger self about money?
I don’t feel like I am in the position to be giving advice to anyone, to be honest! I might say, save money, pay into a pension, don’t get a credit card. But knowing me I’d ignore all of that.
What’s the biggest money mistake you’ve made?
I went to Venice and stayed in a posh hotel where everyone was very rich and got invited to see that Murano glass works, where I felt very pressured to buy something, so I bought a glass bead necklace for like £3K and I’ve never worn it. I feel sick thinking about it.
What’s the best thing you’ve ever spent money on?
Travel. I didn’t travel very much for most of my life, my family didn’t have money, my holidays were usually a pensioner’s coach trip to Bournemouth with my single mum who couldn’t drive.
My desire to travel and see the world more is recent, and if I don’t get to certain places before it’s too late, I will have serious regret.
Also, dogs.
Do you have a pension? If not, do you have a plan?
I do not. Also, I do not. *sobs*
What would you do with £10,000?
Pay off debt. Honestly, I would do that and not book a holiday. I would.
What little luxury could you get with a tenner?
A very nice cake and coffee and fifteen minutes of peace.
If you were me, what would you want to ask women about money?
How do you do it?
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RELATED POSTS:
I looked up the post from last year when I got the first payment. Turns out I remembered it wrong.
Our book club book, The Financial Anxiety Solution
Thank you for such an honest insight into your finances Rowan ❤️
What a beautifully written and heartfelt guest piece. This got me - "Personally, I always feel like I am in trouble for something, but I’m not sure what, and that I’m not trying hard enough, and that I’m failing myself and everyone else. My answer to that is earrings." Brilliant.
And then reading the rest of the piece and the reasons for that becoming clear. ❤️
What strikes me reading this, and other previous posts, is that for some people, handling money is like walking down a pleasant, empty, sunlit street. It's easy and straightforward and there are few surprises lurking. For others, it's like navigating a tunnel in an Indiana Jones movie, all rolling balls of doom and disappearing bridges. People might be like - why can't you just get to the end of the street, just walk at an even pace?! You're not trying hard enough! But they have no idea about the snake pit that's just around the corner. These obstacles are both psychological and actual. Or psychological so they become actual! 🤪
So we cannot and should not compare how we are each handling money, we are not all walking the same road, as this piece makes clear.
❤️